How to Recover From An Abusive Friendship

Much has been said about abusive relationships, both in dating and marriage. There is an abundance of information and support groups available for those who have experienced abuse due to a romantic partner. But what about those who have experienced abuse in friendships?

I found myself in an abusive friendship for most of 2023. I knew the friendship was complicated and that it often left me feeling emotionally drained and upset. However, it wasn’t until the friendship ended that I realized the full extent of what I had gone through. I was left with many conflicting emotions, most notably grief and shame. I still cared about and often missed my former friend, despite how he had treated me. I often asked myself, Why do I miss this person who treated me so badly? How could I have let myself be treated that way? Why didn’t I recognize the signs and leave months ago? The truth is that anyone can find themselves in an abusive friendship.

Here are my tips for moving forward:

1. All Emotions Are Okay You might be surprised when feelings you didn’t expect come up. After all, this person mistreated you, so it’s normal to feel angry, upset, sad, scared, or shame. But feelings like guilt, regret, confusion, and grief are also normal. Relationships are rarely all good or all bad; most contain a little of both. So there’s a good chance there were parts of your friendship that provided you with positive feelings or outcomes. Those positive benefits may have been part of the reason the friendship continued as long as it did. It’s okay to miss your former friend, while still acknowledging the harm they caused you. And missing someone doesn’t mean they need to be back in your life.

2. Take Your Time The day my friendship ended, I had some immediate realizations. However, acknowledging that I had been in an abusive friendship was not one of them. That didn’t come until months later. It’s normal for a clear understanding of the friendship to develop over time. In a romantic relationship where abuse occurs, the emotions and brain chemicals that connect us to others often prevent people from seeing the situation clearly. I always think of the phrase “love is blind”. This occurs to some extent in platonic relationships too. Try to meet yourself where you’re at and acknowledge your understanding of the situation at this point in time, knowing that it may be different 6 months or a year from now. Depending on the severity of the abuse, clarity may take years to develop and that’s okay.

3. Connect With Others Humans are wired for connection and none of us were meant to do life alone. Here at The Collective we prioritize social health, and communicating with someone you trust is especially important when recovering from an abusive friendship. This may be another friend, a family member, or a mentor. Finding at least one person you can confide in about what you’ve gone through who will listen with compassion and understanding can go a long way in helping you on your healing journey and in sorting through the confusing and conflicting emotions that are often present.

4. It’s Not Your Fault We hear this frequently in the aftermath of abuse, but it really is true: it’s not your fault. No life circumstances, trauma, or hurt feelings ever justify abuse. What happened to you, whether physical, verbal, mental, emotional, or sexual, is not your doing. One of the most insidious sideeffects of abuse is that the victim/survivor often misplaces their feelings of anger onto themselves. This can lead to depression, anxiety, feelings of low self-worth, and difficulties in living everyday life. Do your best to recognize these thoughts of self-blame when they occur and know that most negative feelings you’re having towards yourself are likely misplaced.

5. Reach Out For Help Sometimes we need some extra support beyond friends, family, or mentors when recovering from a difficult life experience. Seeing a therapist can help you in working through your feelings and trauma with someone who has the training and knowledge to guide you in your recovery. I had a therapist during my abusive friendship and very much valued having her support after it ended. Through working with my therapist I was able to see how the positive aspects of my friendship served me and kept me in it for so long, why it was difficult to leave, and was able to find compassion and acceptance for myself. Abusive friendships can be difficult to overcome and recovery is often not linear. But it is possible to move forward and make new, healthy friendships with individuals who love you, care for you, and respect your boundaries. The Collective supports you in your healing and growth.

Unlocking Social Wellbeing: The Transformative Benefits of Coaching Services

In the fast-paced world we live in, juggling professional responsibilities, personal relationships, and self-care can often become overwhelming. In the pursuit of success, social health and wellness can take a backseat. However, the emergence of coaching services has become a beacon of support, offering individuals a unique and transformative path to enhance their social wellbeing.

Personalized Guidance and Support:

• Coaching services provide individuals with personalized guidance tailored to their specific needs and challenges. Unlike generalized advice, coaching takes into account the unique circumstances of each person, fostering a sense of understanding and connection. This personalized approach is crucial for addressing social concerns and creating lasting positive changes.

Improved Communication Skills:

• Effective communication lies at the heart of healthy relationships. Coaches specialize in helping individuals enhance their communication skills, fostering better connections with friends, family, and colleagues. Whether it's conflict resolution, active listening, or assertiveness training, coaching services empower individuals to express themselves authentically, leading to stronger social bonds.

Building Healthy Relationships:

• One of the primary focuses of coaching services is to help individuals build and maintain healthy relationships. Coaches guide clients in understanding their relationship patterns, setting boundaries, and cultivating empathy. Through this process, individuals develop the skills needed to create meaningful connections that contribute positively to their social health.

Stress Reduction and Resilience:

• Social stressors can significantly impact overall wellness. Coaches assist individuals in developing resilience to navigate social challenges effectively. By providing tools and strategies to manage stress, coaching services empower individuals to maintain a healthy balance between social interactions and personal well-being.

Enhanced Self-Reflection:

• Understanding oneself is a crucial aspect of social health. Coaches encourage self-reflection, helping individuals gain insights into their behaviors, values, and goals. This self-awareness lays the foundation for positive social interactions, fostering a deeper understanding of one's role within various relationships.

Goal Setting for Social Wellbeing:

• Coaching services support individuals in setting realistic and achievable social goals. Whether it's expanding social circles, improving interpersonal skills, or fostering a sense of community, coaches guide clients through a goal-setting process that aligns with their vision for enhanced social wellbeing.

Accountability and Motivation:

• The coaching relationship is built on accountability and motivation. Coaches serve as partners in the journey towards social health, providing the necessary support and encouragement to stay on track. This collaborative approach helps individuals overcome obstacles and stay motivated to make positive changes in their social lives.

In a world that often values individual achievements over social connections, coaching services stand out as a powerful tool for enhancing social health and wellness. By offering personalized guidance, improving communication skills, and fostering healthy relationships, coaching services empower individuals to navigate the complexities of social interactions with confidence and resilience. As we prioritize our social wellbeing, the transformative benefits of coaching services become a beacon of support, guiding us towards a more fulfilling and connected life.

Breaking Bread: The Power of Attuned Nourishment

Coming back home after being with my family for much of December, I sat down to eat my breakfast alone at my kitchen table for the first time in what felt like forever. It felt odd not to have anyone else in the kitchen making their own food, going for their second cup of coffee, or trying to keep their meal from being eaten by our beloved family pet. The lack of an “other” while I nourished myself to begin the day didn’t necessarily cross my mind as inherently negative, but the lack of friends and family at the table with me as I cut into my fried eggs gave me pause. 

Fast forward to later in the day, and the pieces fell together naturally to explain some aspects of the negative emotions that my solo breakfast led me to. While reading Bonnie Badenoch’s book “The Heart of Trauma,” I was ecstatic to learn about how our digestion is impacted by how relationally connected we feel to whoever is giving us the food. Badenoch went on to describe how having someone who is attuned to our hunger and when we are full and satisfied helps us know our own cues for needing food or knowing when to stop eating. 

Immediately upon reading this, I thought about my Greek Grandmother seemed so attuned to me when I needed a piece of baklava that they made with my nourishment in mind. When I ask folks about their favorite foods, so often people respond with certain dishes that friends or family make for them and know are their favorite. These might not be dishes that would be served at Michelin-star restaurants, but the emotional significance of being in a relationship with whoever is cooking for you seems to be far more impactful than a fancy meal at the best 10-course dinner in town. 

If you are looking for a way to be there for a loved one, I would recommend asking them what you can cook for them the next time you spend time together. Of course, if you need some support, I would encourage you to ask your roommate, partner, or friend to cook together and see if it feels more fulfilling than meeting out for a meal. I’m surely going to take the idea of being more attuned to community and relational nourishment as I move into the new year, and I hope you do, too. 

New Year, New Me

Happy 2024, everyone! I have avoided setting New Year’s resolutions for a while now for a number of reasons. The biggest is that they always seem to be so all-or-nothing in the declarations. Like, either I’m doing whatever the resolution is to the extreme or I’ve failed. That seems like a lot of pressure to place on someone for 365 days! 

So instead, I’d like to encourage you to prioritize themes for the new year. In 2023, I told myself my theme was ‘career’. I have always been a pretty dedicated person to my career and passion in mental health but I wanted to dedicate time to really focusing in on what I wanted. So I launched a new business, started a podcast with one of my besties (shout out Collective Conversations!) and stepped further into a leadership role with The Collective. At the end of the year, I was able to reflect on how much the focus on my theme was able to assist me in cultivating what I’d like our of a career. 

So what’s my theme for this year? In line with our general mission at The Collective, this year I really want to focus on my social health and relationships. This is so important for me, for a number of reasons but namely because we know that your social health plays a vital role in your overall mental health. Social connections can:

• Improve your ability to recover from stress and depression

• Reduce your overall risk for suicide and suicidal ideations

• Promote physical wellness like healthy sleep patterns 

Not to mention it can help us strengthen our overall connectedness with our communities which can form trust, safety and resiliency in communities. 

Even as a general introvert, I know that having my people, my friends and family, my community makes me a much better human. It allows me to function in ways that wouldn’t be possible if I was living a life of isolation.

So this year, if you are looking for a new year’s theme, might I suggest looking at your social health? 

Navigating Seasonal Depression During the Holidays: A Clinical Perspective

As the holiday season approaches, many individuals eagerly anticipate festive celebrations, quality time with loved ones, and a general sense of joy. However, for some, the holidays bring about a complex set of emotions, particularly those struggling with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), also known as seasonal depression. In this clinical blog post, we will explore the unique challenges of seasonal depression, its impact on individuals during the holiday season, and evidence-based strategies to manage and cope with these difficulties.

Understanding Seasonal Depression:

Seasonal depression, commonly associated with the fall and winter months, is a subtype of major depressive disorder characterized by recurrent depressive episodes during a specific time of the year. Reduced exposure to natural sunlight, changes in circadian rhythms, and alterations in neurotransmitter levels, particularly serotonin and melatonin, are believed to contribute to the development of seasonal depression.

The Holiday Factor:

For those grappling with seasonal depression, the holidays can exacerbate feelings of loneliness, sadness, and isolation. The cultural emphasis on joy and togetherness can create a stark contrast for individuals already experiencing emotional distress. Additionally, factors such as the pressure to participate in social events, financial strain related to gift-giving, and the expectation of happiness during the holiday season can intensify feelings of inadequacy and despair.

Clinical Strategies for Managing Seasonal Depression During the Holidays:

Light Therapy (Phototherapy):

• Light therapy involves exposure to a bright light that mimics natural sunlight, effectively regulating circadian rhythms and melatonin production. Encouraging patients to incorporate light therapy into their daily routine, especially during the darker months, can be a valuable intervention.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT):

• CBT has proven effective in treating seasonal depression by helping individuals identify and change negative thought patterns. Therapists can work with patients to challenge unrealistic expectations associated with the holidays and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Medication Management:

• For some individuals, pharmacotherapy may be necessary. Antidepressant medications, particularly selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), can help alleviate symptoms of seasonal depression. Healthcare professionals should carefully assess each patient's individual needs and monitor medication response.

Establishing Support Systems:

• Encouraging patients to build a support network is crucial during the holiday season. Whether through family, friends, or support groups, having a reliable system in place can provide emotional support and help alleviate feelings of isolation. Don’t forget, connection and community are EVERYTHING. 

Self-Care Practices:

• Emphasizing self-care is essential for managing seasonal depression. Patients should be encouraged to prioritize activities that bring them joy and relaxation, such as exercise, mindfulness, and maintaining a consistent sleep schedule.

Seasonal depression, especially during the holidays, presents unique challenges that warrant a comprehensive and compassionate clinical approach. By integrating therapeutic interventions, support systems, and self-care practices, healthcare professionals can empower individuals to navigate the complexities of seasonal depression and find a sense of balance during this festive time. It is essential to tailor treatment plans to each individual's needs and work collaboratively to promote mental well-being throughout the holiday season and beyond.

Navigating the Loneliness Epidemic: Connecting in the Digital Age

In a recent Forbes article, the alarming statistic that nearly one in four Americans over the age of 18 often or always feel lonely paints a poignant picture of the loneliness epidemic gripping the United States. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has aptly labeled it as such, emphasizing that the impact extends beyond individuals to affect teams and potentially entire organizations. The consequences are profound, touching on work quality, creativity, motivation, and more.

The article delves into the biological underpinnings of loneliness, framing it as a biological signal designed to remind us of our need for social connections. What's particularly concerning is the revelation that when these signals go unanswered, our brains undergo changes, amplifying feelings of loneliness. The consequences are far-reaching, encompassing hypervigilance, paranoia, declines in memory and cognitive function, pessimism, and hostility as well as rising rates of anxiety and depression.

The solution, according to the article, isn't a mere increase in socializing but a deeper connection to what brings positive emotions and meaning to our lives. Sharing positive emotional experiences with others is highlighted as a means to mitigate negative interpretations of external stimuli, a crucial step in combating loneliness.

Dr. Edward Hallowell, an expert on anxiety and stress, offers a roadmap for combating loneliness through connection. His book, "Connect: 12 Vital Ties That Open Your Heart, Lengthen Your Life, and Deepen Your Soul," outlines twelve areas where individuals can foster connection for a fuller, richer life.

Here's a breakdown of Dr. Hallowell's 12 vital ties:

1. **Birth Family:**

- Do I have strong bonds and clear communication with my parents, siblings, and relatives?

- Do I connect with them regularly?

- What are some ways I might increase connection?

2. **Immediate Family:**

- Do I treat them with love and respect?

- Are we emotionally close?

- What are some ways I might increase connection?

3. **Friends and Community:**

- Do I see friends and neighbors regularly?

The list extends to areas such as work, play, nature, and spirituality, emphasizing the multifaceted nature of human connection. Dr. Hallowell's approach encourages self-reflection on where one might need to boost their feelings of connection.

As we grapple with the loneliness epidemic, it's crucial to recognize that true connection goes beyond the digital realm. While technology has made it easier to communicate, fostering meaningful connections requires intentionality and a commitment to deepening relationships.

In conclusion, combating loneliness involves a holistic approach, like we offer here at The Collective, that combines awareness of its biological roots, an understanding of the psychological consequences, and a proactive effort to connect in various aspects of life. By embracing Dr. Hallowell's twelve vital ties and reflecting on our own connections, we can collectively work towards a more connected and fulfilling existence, both online and offline.

The Crucial Role of Boundaried Vulnerability in Building Healthy Relationships

In the complexity that is human connections, one concept stands out as vital for creating and maintaining healthy, fulfilling relationships: boundaried vulnerability. This term may seem like an oxymoron at first glance, but it represents a delicate balance that can lead to deeper connections and emotional intimacy. In this blog post, we'll explore what boundaried vulnerability is and why it's essential in nurturing relationships.

Understanding Boundaried Vulnerability: Boundaried vulnerability is the art of sharing your innermost thoughts, feelings, and experiences while respecting personal boundaries and maintaining a healthy level of self-protection. It's a skill that requires self-awareness, empathy, and communication. Here's why it's crucial:

• Fosters Trust: When you practice boundaried vulnerability, you create an atmosphere of trust within your relationship. Knowing that you won't cross each other's boundaries allows for a sense of safety in sharing sensitive information.

• Encourages Open Communication: Boundaried vulnerability promotes open and honest communication. It allows you to express your feelings, needs, and desires, and also provides space for your partner/friends to do the same without fear of judgment or invasion.

• Strengthens Emotional Connection: Building emotional intimacy is a gradual process. Boundaried vulnerability helps you gradually reveal more about yourself, deepening the emotional connection in your relationships. 

• Respects Personal Autonomy: Healthy relationships require  individuals to maintain their autonomy and independence. Boundaried vulnerability respects the need for personal space and acknowledges that each person has their unique experiences and boundaries.

How to Practice Boundaried Vulnerability: Now that we understand the importance of boundaried vulnerability, let's explore how to put it into practice:

• Self-Reflection: Start by examining your own feelings and boundaries. Understand what you're comfortable sharing and what you'd prefer to keep private. This self-awareness will guide your interactions with others.

• Effective Communication: Learn to express your thoughts and emotions clearly and kindly. Active listening and empathetic responses are crucial in fostering boundaried vulnerability in your relationships.

• Gradual Disclosure: Share your inner self progressively, allowing your friends/partner to do the same. This gradual unfolding of your emotional world creates a strong foundation for trust and intimacy.

• Respect Boundaries: Always respect your other’s boundaries. If they're not ready to discuss certain topics or share specific experiences, honor their choices without judgment or pressure.

In conclusion, boundaried vulnerability is a vital element in building and maintaining healthy relationships. It enables trust, fosters open communication, strengthens emotional connections, and respects personal autonomy. By practicing boundaried vulnerability, you can create a deeper, more fulfilling connection with your partner while nurturing a relationship built on trust, respect, and love.

Tips for Cultivating Compassionate Body Image

No one is immune to body image concerns, it is basically a rite of passage for being human. In a world obsessed with body perfection, the concept of body neutrality emerges as a breath of fresh air. It advocates for accepting your body as it is, without judgment or excessive focus on its appearance. Body neutrality isn't about dismissing your body, it isn't about constantly trying to find 'the good', it's about acceptance. There can be a lot of freedom that comes with that acceptance but how do we take steps towards this type of work?

I'd love to share with you a few of the steps I take for myself but also when I'm working with clients to begin the healing process with their body image.

1.) Recognize the goal: So often I have clients come into my office and feel overwhelmed by the task of 'fixing' their body image or trying to 'love' their body. One of the first concepts I offer them is "Maybe you don't have to." Maybe you don't have to love your body right now, maybe you don't have to accept whatever it is about your body that you don't like. If you have spent your life fighting against your body, it is unfair to set a goal to love it. It's too big of a jump. Instead, let's work on tolerating. How do practice handling the distress and discomfort that comes from being attuned with our bodies? If we focus on creating some distress tolerance around body discomfort, it creates a solid foundation to build on and often feels much more attainable.

2.) Practice mindfulness: How do we build distress tolerance? Mindfulness! Engaging in mindfulness practices like meditation and yoga to connect with our bodies can be a challenge (becuase our bodies can carry a lot of trauma) however it is important in this journey to be able to connect with the vessel that is our physical body. This is a perfect time to bring in help like taking a body neutral yoga class or listening to a body compassion mindfulness recording.

3.) Find community: One of the very questions I ask clients when they want to start this journey is: do you have friends or community in your life that are doing this work too? It's so important to have people in your corner who are giving up diet culture and focusing on nurturing their bodies! Having a variety of body shapes, sizes and differently abled bodies in your community helps expose you to bodies outside of what diet culture says is 'the goal'. Be critical of media messages and advertisements. Recognize that these often perpetuate unrealistic beauty ideals.

If these three steps are igniting something in you, we would love to hear from you! Drop a comment below or click here to sign up for our workshop coming up in a few weeks all about cultivating compassionate body image!

Nurturing Social Skills to Combat Anxiety and Depression

In a world where isolation and digital interactions often dominate, the importance of genuine human connections cannot be overstated. The Collective is an environment where social skills are cultivated and where empathy, understanding, and shared experiences come together to combat anxiety and depression. Just as sunlight pierces through clouds, nurturing social skills can be a beacon of hope, illuminating the path towards better mental well-being! Join us on a journey to explore how building bridges with others can serve as a powerful tool in the fight against anxiety and depression.

The Power of Shared Connections

At the heart of combating anxiety and depression lies the power of human connection. We are social beings wired for interaction, and when we nurture our social skills, we create bridges that span the chasm of isolation. Meaningful conversations, shared laughter, and empathetic listening form the foundation upon which we construct these bridges, weaving a safety net that catches us when we're feeling vulnerable.

Embracing Empathy and Understanding

Anxiety and depression can often leave us feeling like we're alone in our struggles, but the truth is that countless others have walked similar paths. By cultivating our social skills, we open ourselves up to the possibility of understanding and empathy from others who may have faced similar challenges. Sharing our stories, fears, and triumphs becomes an act of mutual healing, reminding us that we are not alone and that our experiences matter.

The Ripple Effect of Positive Interactions

Much like a pebble creating ripples in a pond, our interactions send waves of energy into the world. Positive conversations, acts of kindness, and expressions of genuine interest in others can have a profound impact not only on their recipients but also on our own mental well-being. When we lift others up, we simultaneously lift ourselves, creating a positive feedback loop that counteracts the negative spirals of anxiety and depression.

Cultivating Compassionate Self-Talk

Nurturing social skills goes beyond external interactions; it also involves developing a healthy dialogue with ourselves. The way we speak to ourselves shapes our self-perception and, consequently, our mental state. By practicing self-compassion and positive self-talk, we can build a resilient foundation that shields us from the harsh winds of self-doubt and self-criticism, common triggers for anxiety and depression.

Drawing from Timeless Wisdom

Throughout history, across cultures, and within various spiritual traditions, the significance of connection and community has been emphasized. Drawing from this timeless wisdom, we can integrate these teachings into our modern lives. By focusing on building relationships, fostering empathy, and embracing vulnerability, we align ourselves with the collective knowledge that has guided humanity for generations.

The Take-Away

As we navigate the intricate landscapes of anxiety and depression, let's remember that we possess a powerful tool: our capacity to connect with others. By nurturing our social selves, we build bridges that transcend the barriers of isolation and invite empathy, understanding, and shared experiences. Each positive interaction, every act of kindness, contributes to a ripple effect that has the potential to reshape our inner worlds. So, let's embark on this journey of building bridges, both with others and within ourselves, and use the power of connection to be happy and healthy. Just as a single spark can illuminate a dark room, our efforts to connect can illuminate the path towards brighter mental well-being.

The Importance of Connection in the Midst of Loss

Clinical psychologist Therese Rando defines grief as "the process of experiencing the psychological, behavioral, social, and physical reactions to the perception of loss." If you have experienced grief firsthand, you likely understand that it is an overwhelmingly complex experience, often impossible to articulate. While it can be profoundly isolating, it is important to recognize that grief is a universal human experience. The longer we live, we inevitably will encounter it, most likely repeatedly. I promise, the intention of this post is not to depress you, but rather to assure you that you are not alone in your grief. At The Collective, we believe that our connections and relationships are as important to us as food, water, shelter-- the most basic of human needs. The point of this posts is to attempt to emphasize the universality of grief and the importance in recognizing the shared nature of this journey. 

Grief is not a singular emotion; it is a multidimensional force that affects various aspects of human existence. It can feel like a whirlwind of emotions day in and day out. You may experience sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, relief, and many other complex feelings. Your behavioral responses can change drastically. You may experience a strain in relationships or conversely, become closer with others. You also may notice physical tolls grief is taking on your body. It truly has the power to turn your world upside down, to invoke the most uncomfortable and torturous of feelings, and to make you feel completely out of control. However, I once heard someone say that once you deeply grieve, you have been given a gift of vulnerability. With this vulnerability, there comes the possibility of practicing much more compassion to yourself and others. In hearing that, I came to understand the immense opportunity to connect with others through our grief, and if we take this opportunity, perhaps we can decrease some (not all) of the distress we experience with loss. 

Whether it is the loss of a loved one, the end of a significant relationship, or any other profound changes that loss can bring, grief will touch each of us in its own way at some point. During these times of grief, seeking and accepting support from friends, family, or professionals can be a vital part of the healing process. Sharing stories, memories and emotions can help us feel connected to others and to the person we have lost. Your grief journey will look different from those around you, as grief does not abide by any rules or follow a simple trajectory, but part of surviving this exquisitely painful part of life is to undertake this journey with the help of others, and recognize this part of life as a universal experience.